General Disclaimer: This is a fan fiction based on the television series Xena: Warrior Princess. All characters, locations, quotes, etc borrowed from the show belong strictly to the original creators and whomsoever holds the ultimate copyrights. There is no intention of copyright infringement or profit wherein this fan fiction is concerned. The remaining ideas, storyline, characters, etc are but a figment of my fevered mind and I will bear full responsibility for them. Other Disclaimers: Violence is inevitable and may even be overly graphic since a certain Warrior Princess is involved hence anyone who may be uncomfortable with such depictions are advised to avoid reading the stories. The underlying theme for these stories is a loving consensual relationship between two adults of the same gender. There may also be scenes describing or hinting at sex between others of the same gender, different gender, different species, different tribes. Violent sex scenes may also make an appearance in these stories. Any person(s) uneasy with any of the sexual content above should leave this site now. In the event that you are under the legal age wherever you may reside or it is illegal in your country to be exposed to any of the contents listed above, please do not proceed to read any of the stories herein. Please note that I will not be responsible for any trauma resulting from a failure to heed any of my warnings above.
I am starting to wonder if this was Xena’s plan all along.
Looking back on our travels in the past year, it finally struck me that something had changed in my relationship with Xena after our first few months together. I hadn’t noticed it at the time, but then again, I had been too busy falling in love with every tousled haired boy I came across to pay much attention to anything else.
In the beginning, Xena had been downright hostile towards my love interests. She would question my taste in men, cast aspersions on their character, and use every means possible to break us up. I can still remember the look of disbelief on her face when she found me lying cuddled up in the same bed with Phyleus. And how can I forget the angry exchange we had after that?
I didn’t mean any of the nasty things I said to Xena but she couldn’t have known that. How could she? I never told her. I was scared; scared of the Titans I had unwittingly unleashed upon the world; scared that Xena would see me for the stupid little girl I was and send me back home; and finally, scared that Xena would hate me so much that we could never be friends again.
After that day, things changed. Not me. I was still falling in love with one fair-faced youth or another at every village and town we stopped at. No, it was Xena who changed. She stopped commenting on my love interests… just like that. Stopped– cold. By the time I met Talus, Xena was even– supportive… She called him nice, and even made herself scarce so I could spend more time with him.
Then there was Troy… And Perdicus. I wasn’t expecting to see him there, much less as an officer in the Trojan army. I remember telling Xena that we were to be married though I will be cursed as a Bacchae if I remember why. Was I trying to goad her into some sort of reaction or emotion? Jealousy, perhaps? Unfortunately, if that was my plan, it certainly backfired. Maybe it was the magic word “married” or maybe Xena thought we would have a lot to catch up on or maybe that Perdicus was the best person to keep me safe. Or she had known something I didn’t. Whatever the reason may be, I ended up spending a lot of time with Perdicus in Troy; enough time to rehash all the good old times we had, to re-establish the bonds we used to share, and to fall in love with the strong sensitive man he had become.
It was everything I thought love would be– all warm and fuzzy and sweet… like that first bite of a freshly ripened peach. When I kissed him, it had felt right; as if I was finally coming home; that the time we had spent apart was nothing more than a fevered dream; and that no one could ever love me as wholeheartedly as he did. In the end, he chose not to travel with us and I could sense Xena’s surprise when he left with Helen instead. Did she know then? That I loved him?
Was that her plan all along?
I know Perdicus caught both of us by surprise when he stumbled into our camp in the middle of the night. Xena may be a lot of things but I doubt even she could have known that he would come calling at that hour. Or that he would ask me to be his wife. I always thought, the moment, when it inevitably came, would be more– romantic. Shouldn’t there be flowers and candles and sweet cider? I mean… yes, there were wild flowers all around us, and there was the campfire, and watered down wine in our wineskin. And he did get down on one knee and all that. But… let’s just say that his delivery left much to be desired. It left me overwhelmed—overwhelmed not with love or desire but with shock. So much shock that I had to excuse myself before I said or did something that I would regret. Perdicus was already hurting. He did not need me to add salt to his wounds or insult to his injuries.
Let’s be honest. Does Perdicus even know who I am? I am not the sweet and innocent little Gabrielle that he once knew and loved. I may not kill, but I fight. And I have seen too much pain and suffering in my travels with Xena to have any illusions that the world would become a better place if everyone would just stop fighting. Some things are worth fighting for. Like the greater good. And… love. Xena taught me that. Can I really just walk away from it all? Walk away from my best friend and leave her to fight evil all on her own? Give it all up for the happily-ever-after of a fairy tale ending? In fact, do fairy tales even exist?
But, I do love him. And… Xena seems to think he is the right man for me. He is so sensitive and kind… that he should never have been a soldier. I am not surprised that he is breaking under the strain of all the fighting and killing. It’s all because of me. Perdicus will never admit it but none of this would have happened if I hadn’t broken off our betrothal and run away from home. He would still be a farmer and I would be a farmer’s wife, a baby on my hip and another on the way. I would not have become an Amazon Princess or met the legendary Hercules, or won a bard competition and received an invite to the Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards. More importantly, I would not have become Xena’s friend or understand how the truly epic love stories like Helen and Paris would pale in comparison with the fierce and desperate love of a certain warrior princess.
I am to be married in the morning and Xena has given me her blessings to marry Perdicus. I do not know what the future holds or what my life would be like without her. What I do know, is this: she wants me to be happy, to find that special someone who makes me smile the way Philemon made Princess Diana smile at her wedding banquet. Perdicus certainly fits the bill. But– so does Xena… Did she never notice how my face would light up at the sight of her? Or the goofy grin I would get whenever she touches me with the tips of her fingers?
Does she not feel the same way about me? If she did, why is she trying to fop me off on Perdicus? Is that what she has been trying to do all this time we have been together—find an excuse to get rid of me? Or is she just too busy trying to save the world and make up for her past that she can’t find a place for me in her life?
I wish I had the answers. But more than anything, I wish, just once, that I had told Xena how much I really loved her…